So, this week, Ed Sheeran's chart dominance has been defeated. Sure, I love his songs, but I'm glad to be talking about something else. But what is that something else? What has been so strong that it forced out all but three songs off Divide? Is it someone with great talent, or skill with lyrics? It's 2017, of course it isn't. Because, on a Sunday night, Drake decided to release his new album.
Great. Fecking great.
Well, let's get started, so I can get this over with.
10. No Long Talk - Drake (Chart Position - 4)
No Long Talk? Are you s***ing me? Is this Drake's attempt to defend his manhood? This is terrible, honestly the worst thing I've heard all year. The lyrics are total nonsense: they make loads of innuendos that make no sense (you're going to 'butter' the p***y, are you? So, you think that it's as big as a slice of bread, and want to rub a knife up and down it, do you?), and some that aren't even innuendos, but are just references to sex. Drake is a terrible singer at the best of times, and whoever 'Giggs' is, he's equally terrible. I doubt any beat could salvage these terrible lyrics, but this is a total mess: it's just dull and flat, barely making me want to breath to it, let alone stand up and dance. No effort has been put into this s**t, and yet it's at number 4! Truly dreadful.
9. Free Smoke - Drake (Chart Position - 7)
This song has one saving grace - the opening 35 seconds is great. It's like it's part of a different, infinitely superior song. The rest of this is terrible, however. The lyrics make no sense (again), with Drake just saying free smoke and saying it's a chorus. Once again, Drake sings about women, and utterly degrades them to the point where they are basically objects for his sexual gratification. And then, he loses focus on that, and decides to talk about how he's going to fight with someone he doesn't like. There's no consistent through-line, let alone story. The beat is appalling, with samples so fake it must have come from the free version of Garage Band. The effects are utterly irritating, and the mixing is appalling. Just bad, and I wish this was a song that I could forget I've heard. I feel less intelligent having heard it.
8. KMT - Drake (Chart Position - 5)
This is Drake trying to do something different. I hope he doesn't do it again.
Drake, this is too loud.
Please turn it down.
Also, never use Giggs again. He's s**t.
And please stop objectifying women. As a white male, who is expected to objectify women, I find it offensive that you like to have lyrics talking about how a girl's breasts are 'perky' and how they're like a Christmas present for you.
Also, don't you dare involve Batman in this.
7. Gyalchester - Drake (Chart Position - 10)
Not as offensive like the last three, but truly dreadful. Drake seems to subscribe to the 'beat fetishism' that a lot of American Comedians have picked up on recently. They're absolutely right, and Drake seems to be the forward pushing force for this. His last hit, One Dance, certainly prescribed to this, and most of this album (that I've heard - I don't want to listen to anything that's below 10 on the charts) is the same. It doesn't help that I hate this kind of thing: it's just not what I like about music at all. And sure, Drake seems to think that it's cool. But he doesn't try and mix it up at all, instead just releasing the same old twaddle again and again. Once more, we have a song about how he objectifies women, and, while not as graphic as any of the previous articles, is just as offensively irritating. Gyalchester is meant to be a slang term for 'gal' 'Manchester'. If you even try and involve yourself with any girl from my home city, Drake, I will give a swift kick in the happy sack. Other than that, this is just really dull, and is recommend it for sexist insomniacs. It so dull, I can't even be bothered to finish talking about-
6. Portland - Drake (Chart Position - 9)
Oh god, please stop. Everything on this album is the same thing, just slightly differently. It's like torture for my ear drums. The only reason why this is higher than the others is because the mixing is so bad, I can't understand the lyrics at all. The instrumental sounds like it's been knocked together in about 5 minutes, and Drake is still as soul-suckingly bad as he always is. This is pretty unlistenable, although the last five seconds are ok.
5. Blem - Drake (Chart Position - 8)
This is as good as One Dance... in that it's a shockingly poor mess of a song, but at least it isn't hurtful to my ears or horribly offensive. This song does feature a false stop at one point, which is a brave move, but one that I think that Drake could have used a bit more. As is, it just feels like a wasted opportunity. The lyrics are as nonsensical as most of the other songs on the album, and Drake is just as flat as before. One thing I should mention is that is that the songs on this album all flow together, which is a good idea if you've got the storytelling chops to pull it off. However, of course, Drake doesn't, and it all just feels like a total waste. M83 did it on one of their albums, and it was a great success. Boring, but at least it's just that.
4. Passionfruit - Drake (Chart Position - 3)
Oh my god... is this a Drake song I actually like? Well, no, because one of the problems with this song is Drake. He has no energy to his vocals, and barely feels like he's injecting any energy into the piece. He's like Chris Martin from Coldplay: his lack of enthusiasm can genuinely make a song unlistenable. What people see in him I just don't know. But, somehow, this song isn't actually that bad. The false start is probably a mistake, but, hey, Drake's rich enough, he can f**k around with us how he likes, can't he? But the beat is actually quite well put together, and the effects, which should be irritating, are toned down so I don't go literally insane. The lyrics aren't great, but they are an improvement over anything else Drake's put out on this album. So, I wouldn't really choose to listen to Passionfruit, but I certainly think it's the best song on the album, and better than any of Drake's other excuses for songs.
Oh, thank Christ that's over. Now, onto what's been left of Ed Sheeran after the purge. I have recycled these thoughts from two weeks ago, mostly because nothing has changed for me since last week. All I will say is thank the stars that these managed to cling on. I think I would have had a heart attack if the chart was full of Drake.
3. Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran (Chart Position - 6)
Now, of course, this song's been out for quite some time, but I don't think that's any great detriment upon this song. On the contrary, this song's longevity has been one of it's highlights. It's such a simple song, about the innocence of youth, about returning home to find everything's changed, about that feeling of returning to a place you haven't seen in years. Now, anyone can produce a song about those topics, but Sheeran manages to make it feel real. You're going through the experiences with him, and I think that's such a powerful image to have. Now, of course, Sheeran is a musical master, and while his lyrics and voice would be enough to sell this, he is aided by a fantastic beat and some excellent melodies that provide an excellent instrumental for this song. Castle On The Hill is one of the strongest songs of the year, and I think it's possibly a little bit of a minor classic, since it's mostly been overshadowed by Shape Of You. Fantastic.
2. Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran (Chart Position - 2)
Shape Of You is undoubtedly Sheeran's greatest hit, and it's not hard to see why. It has such a relaxed feel to it in every element of production: the writing, the vocals, the melodies, the beat, everything just feels so relaxed and chilled. The story of simple physical attraction is wonderfully told, and it never amounts to anything more than it purports to be. I know I keep saying this about Sheeran, about his storytelling, but it is true - he does tell a story with his music. Each song is like a little short story that paints a world perfectly, but never outstays it's welcome. This is helped by Sheeran's voice, which, like every song on this list, is just phenomenal. He has an amazing instrument, and is totally in command of that instrument. That his songs have possibly the best production values on the chart is another positive. Sheeran has many different styles, all of which are executed successfully, and Shape Of You is the ultimate proof of that. It's hard to say anything about this that I haven't said previously. The crowning glory in the career of one of the best artist's of the past decade. Simply amazing.
1. Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran (Chart Position - 1)
Why wasn't this released as a single? This is fantastic! It's electronic, mixed with Irish river-dance, mixed with a wonderful acoustic sound. It shouldn't, by rights, work... but oh my God, it does! It's upbeat, slow, different and familiar all at the same time. It's simply about an Irish girl who has a one-night stand with Ed, and I love it's simplicity. It isn't pretentious about anything, just tells it like it is. And I love it. It's melody is simple, allowing it's barrage of styles to come together, and it doesn't outstay it's welcome either. It's nice and short, and it just works. Simply magical.
So, this is the Spotify Chart cross-compared with my listings for ease of reference:
Spotify:
1. Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran
2. Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran
3. Passionfruit - Drake
4. No Long Talk - Drake
5. KMT - Drake
6. Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran
7. Free Smoke - Drake
8. Blem - Drake
9. Portland - Drake
10. Gyalchester - Drake
Me:
1. Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran
2. Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran
3. Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran
4. Passionfruit - Drake
5. Blem - Drake
6. Portland - Drake
7. Gyalchester - Drake
8. KMT - Drake
9. Free Smoke - Drake
10. No Long Talk - Drake
Join me next week, we're I expect I'll be giving more stimulating commentary on the merits of Drake's songs... yay.
Also, next week will have my summery of the first three months of 2017, as it will be the last round-up for March. So join me for that, if nothing else!
Great. Fecking great.
Well, let's get started, so I can get this over with. 10. No Long Talk - Drake (Chart Position - 4)
No Long Talk? Are you s***ing me? Is this Drake's attempt to defend his manhood? This is terrible, honestly the worst thing I've heard all year. The lyrics are total nonsense: they make loads of innuendos that make no sense (you're going to 'butter' the p***y, are you? So, you think that it's as big as a slice of bread, and want to rub a knife up and down it, do you?), and some that aren't even innuendos, but are just references to sex. Drake is a terrible singer at the best of times, and whoever 'Giggs' is, he's equally terrible. I doubt any beat could salvage these terrible lyrics, but this is a total mess: it's just dull and flat, barely making me want to breath to it, let alone stand up and dance. No effort has been put into this s**t, and yet it's at number 4! Truly dreadful.
9. Free Smoke - Drake (Chart Position - 7)
This song has one saving grace - the opening 35 seconds is great. It's like it's part of a different, infinitely superior song. The rest of this is terrible, however. The lyrics make no sense (again), with Drake just saying free smoke and saying it's a chorus. Once again, Drake sings about women, and utterly degrades them to the point where they are basically objects for his sexual gratification. And then, he loses focus on that, and decides to talk about how he's going to fight with someone he doesn't like. There's no consistent through-line, let alone story. The beat is appalling, with samples so fake it must have come from the free version of Garage Band. The effects are utterly irritating, and the mixing is appalling. Just bad, and I wish this was a song that I could forget I've heard. I feel less intelligent having heard it.
8. KMT - Drake (Chart Position - 5)
This is Drake trying to do something different. I hope he doesn't do it again.
Drake, this is too loud.
Please turn it down.
Also, never use Giggs again. He's s**t.
And please stop objectifying women. As a white male, who is expected to objectify women, I find it offensive that you like to have lyrics talking about how a girl's breasts are 'perky' and how they're like a Christmas present for you.
Also, don't you dare involve Batman in this.
7. Gyalchester - Drake (Chart Position - 10)
Not as offensive like the last three, but truly dreadful. Drake seems to subscribe to the 'beat fetishism' that a lot of American Comedians have picked up on recently. They're absolutely right, and Drake seems to be the forward pushing force for this. His last hit, One Dance, certainly prescribed to this, and most of this album (that I've heard - I don't want to listen to anything that's below 10 on the charts) is the same. It doesn't help that I hate this kind of thing: it's just not what I like about music at all. And sure, Drake seems to think that it's cool. But he doesn't try and mix it up at all, instead just releasing the same old twaddle again and again. Once more, we have a song about how he objectifies women, and, while not as graphic as any of the previous articles, is just as offensively irritating. Gyalchester is meant to be a slang term for 'gal' 'Manchester'. If you even try and involve yourself with any girl from my home city, Drake, I will give a swift kick in the happy sack. Other than that, this is just really dull, and is recommend it for sexist insomniacs. It so dull, I can't even be bothered to finish talking about-
6. Portland - Drake (Chart Position - 9)
Oh god, please stop. Everything on this album is the same thing, just slightly differently. It's like torture for my ear drums. The only reason why this is higher than the others is because the mixing is so bad, I can't understand the lyrics at all. The instrumental sounds like it's been knocked together in about 5 minutes, and Drake is still as soul-suckingly bad as he always is. This is pretty unlistenable, although the last five seconds are ok.
5. Blem - Drake (Chart Position - 8)
This is as good as One Dance... in that it's a shockingly poor mess of a song, but at least it isn't hurtful to my ears or horribly offensive. This song does feature a false stop at one point, which is a brave move, but one that I think that Drake could have used a bit more. As is, it just feels like a wasted opportunity. The lyrics are as nonsensical as most of the other songs on the album, and Drake is just as flat as before. One thing I should mention is that is that the songs on this album all flow together, which is a good idea if you've got the storytelling chops to pull it off. However, of course, Drake doesn't, and it all just feels like a total waste. M83 did it on one of their albums, and it was a great success. Boring, but at least it's just that.
4. Passionfruit - Drake (Chart Position - 3)
Oh my god... is this a Drake song I actually like? Well, no, because one of the problems with this song is Drake. He has no energy to his vocals, and barely feels like he's injecting any energy into the piece. He's like Chris Martin from Coldplay: his lack of enthusiasm can genuinely make a song unlistenable. What people see in him I just don't know. But, somehow, this song isn't actually that bad. The false start is probably a mistake, but, hey, Drake's rich enough, he can f**k around with us how he likes, can't he? But the beat is actually quite well put together, and the effects, which should be irritating, are toned down so I don't go literally insane. The lyrics aren't great, but they are an improvement over anything else Drake's put out on this album. So, I wouldn't really choose to listen to Passionfruit, but I certainly think it's the best song on the album, and better than any of Drake's other excuses for songs.
Oh, thank Christ that's over. Now, onto what's been left of Ed Sheeran after the purge. I have recycled these thoughts from two weeks ago, mostly because nothing has changed for me since last week. All I will say is thank the stars that these managed to cling on. I think I would have had a heart attack if the chart was full of Drake.
3. Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran (Chart Position - 6)
Now, of course, this song's been out for quite some time, but I don't think that's any great detriment upon this song. On the contrary, this song's longevity has been one of it's highlights. It's such a simple song, about the innocence of youth, about returning home to find everything's changed, about that feeling of returning to a place you haven't seen in years. Now, anyone can produce a song about those topics, but Sheeran manages to make it feel real. You're going through the experiences with him, and I think that's such a powerful image to have. Now, of course, Sheeran is a musical master, and while his lyrics and voice would be enough to sell this, he is aided by a fantastic beat and some excellent melodies that provide an excellent instrumental for this song. Castle On The Hill is one of the strongest songs of the year, and I think it's possibly a little bit of a minor classic, since it's mostly been overshadowed by Shape Of You. Fantastic.
2. Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran (Chart Position - 2)
Shape Of You is undoubtedly Sheeran's greatest hit, and it's not hard to see why. It has such a relaxed feel to it in every element of production: the writing, the vocals, the melodies, the beat, everything just feels so relaxed and chilled. The story of simple physical attraction is wonderfully told, and it never amounts to anything more than it purports to be. I know I keep saying this about Sheeran, about his storytelling, but it is true - he does tell a story with his music. Each song is like a little short story that paints a world perfectly, but never outstays it's welcome. This is helped by Sheeran's voice, which, like every song on this list, is just phenomenal. He has an amazing instrument, and is totally in command of that instrument. That his songs have possibly the best production values on the chart is another positive. Sheeran has many different styles, all of which are executed successfully, and Shape Of You is the ultimate proof of that. It's hard to say anything about this that I haven't said previously. The crowning glory in the career of one of the best artist's of the past decade. Simply amazing.
1. Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran (Chart Position - 1)
Why wasn't this released as a single? This is fantastic! It's electronic, mixed with Irish river-dance, mixed with a wonderful acoustic sound. It shouldn't, by rights, work... but oh my God, it does! It's upbeat, slow, different and familiar all at the same time. It's simply about an Irish girl who has a one-night stand with Ed, and I love it's simplicity. It isn't pretentious about anything, just tells it like it is. And I love it. It's melody is simple, allowing it's barrage of styles to come together, and it doesn't outstay it's welcome either. It's nice and short, and it just works. Simply magical.
So, this is the Spotify Chart cross-compared with my listings for ease of reference:
Spotify:
1. Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran
2. Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran
3. Passionfruit - Drake
4. No Long Talk - Drake
5. KMT - Drake
6. Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran
7. Free Smoke - Drake
8. Blem - Drake
9. Portland - Drake
10. Gyalchester - Drake
Me:
1. Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran
2. Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran
3. Castle On The Hill - Ed Sheeran
4. Passionfruit - Drake
5. Blem - Drake
6. Portland - Drake
7. Gyalchester - Drake
8. KMT - Drake
9. Free Smoke - Drake
10. No Long Talk - Drake
Join me next week, we're I expect I'll be giving more stimulating commentary on the merits of Drake's songs... yay.
Also, next week will have my summery of the first three months of 2017, as it will be the last round-up for March. So join me for that, if nothing else!
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