I genuinely feel like banging my head against a brick wall. The charts at the moment are appalling (bar two songs, one of which isn't even from this year), and they show no signs of getting any better. Seriously, summer 2017 will be remembered as the time when music goes to die.
10. Swalla - Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (Chart Position - 10)
Sorry, but no. I can't do this song again. I just can't. Have my thoughts from two weeks ago, because I have nothing further to say about this train wreck:
This is ridiculous... This is still in the charts? Really? It's a load of rubbish! There's very little technical merit to this song, and even less lyrical merit. It's blander than paint drying, with poor writing, poor performances and terrible, terrible production. Seriously, everything's layered with so many effects that is sounds more like it was made in a computer. The kind of drivel that really shouldn't be making it into the charts, and yet, by a freak of nature, somehow does. It's utterly bizarre.
9. Despacito: Remix - Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber (Chart Position - 1)
GET RID OF IT! BURN THE HEATHEN! IT'S JUST VOWELS! S*** VOWELS!
Get it out of the chart. For all our sakes.
8. I'm The One - DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper & Lil Wayne (Chart Position - 2)
I would like to remind everyone that the beat on this song is alright, objectively speaking. The rest of it simply isn't, and that is simply because there are too many people involved in the song from a creative position. It doesn't help that Justin Bieber is terribly phoned in as usual and Lil Wayne proves once again why giving him a guest verse is a truly terrible idea, but the main reason why this song fails is the same reason why The Ambassadors Of Death isn't one of the greatest Doctor Who stories of all time: it's too long and there are too many people involved.
7. Unforgettable - French Montana & Swae Lee (Chart Position - 3)
"Unforgettable? Who sings it?"
"Nah, sorry mate, I've no idea."
6. Strip That Down - Liam Payne & Quavo (Chart Position - 4)
I feel like I should take this moment to explore the artistic merits of Quavo as a music producer:
There, I just did.
But seriously, this is just such a failure for Liam Payne. I'd hate to be his mother, having to tell him this is good. I mean, I'd never call anything One Direction did 'ground-breaking', 'innovative' or even 'good', but this song is such a miss-fire for Payne that it genuinely does more damage to his musical image than spending the best part of six years pandering to the vapid, hollow tastes of teenage girls. Sure, I still think Payne may have something to say as a musician, but I'll only begrudging listen to his next song.
5. Mama - Jonas Blue & William Singe (Chart Position - 5)
No, sorry Jonas, I'm still disappointed.
I really hoped for more from one of the few genuinely creative people left in EDM at the moment. Sure, this isn't bad (unlike the previous five songs), but I just feel like this should have been so, so much more. I've also been finding that Singe's vocals don't really stand up to much examination. They're a bit too flat and airy for my mind, not like Liam Payne's on Strip That Down, but just insubstantial full stop. It's the sort of voice that, applied to a light guitar beat, is fine. But anything more, and it just seems to fall totally flat, and in some places, subsumed by the instrumental. It's a shame, because Jonas Blue is still a great artist, working in a genre that can produce great material. It just so happens that both are skating on very thin ice at the moment.
4. There's Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes (Chart Position - 7)
I feel like I would be repeating myself ad-nauseum if I was to say what I've said about this song before. Instead of copying previous thoughts into this slot, I will instead try to summarise my thoughts in some snappy, one-word bullet points:
3. Attention - Charlie Puth (Chart Position - 6)
"Attention, Attention! Puth doth cried. Howsomever. none listened to him, for thou voice was like thine wasp, trapped in doth jam jar..."
I seriously could make jokes about this half-baked, mediocre piece of nothing all day long, and it wouldn't get boring.
Unlike this.
This is boring.
Very boring.
2. One Last Time - Ariana Grande (Chart Position - 8)
Well, this was unexpected. A song from 2015, getting into the top 10 in 2017? That's virtually unheard of. Sadly, however, the reason why this song is in the charts is all too real and all too horrible. Of course, you will have heard about the Manchester bombing (and don't the media just love it... More on that another time). This was the last song Ariana sang at the gig in question, and people have been using this as an expression of sadness at the atrocity. While I feel like people are detaching some meaning from the title, and not the lyrics, it is, quite frankly, one the better Ariana songs for this purpose. As a song, it's pretty decent, but that's not the reason why the song is here. It's here as a way of showing sadness, of grief, of remembrance, and, for that purpose, even a cynical online pretentious nerd cannot criticise.
Although it's a good thing the last song wasn't Dangerous Woman. That might have been a bit awkward.
1. Symphony - Clean Bandit & Zara Larsson (Chart Position - 9)
I don't think I can repeat myself about this song again, so I'll just paste in my thoughts from two weeks ago to cover for it:
Symphony is a little ray of sunshine. I love the lightness of this, I really do. It's the perfect song for the airy summer weather we've been having: a bright, light tune that knows it's limits and doesn't try to overstep them. It helps that every element of the production is perfect, and all those elements are singing from the same hymn sheet. From the confident beat to the lovely melodies and Zara Larsson's amazing vocals, this song is exactly what we should have more of in the charts in summer: confidently produced light songs like this. A great piece of work.
So, this is the Spotify Chart cross-compared with my listings for ease of reference:
Spotify:
1. Despacito: Remix - Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber
2. I'm The One - DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper & Lil Wayne
3. Unforgettable - French Montana & Swae Lee
4. Strip That Down - Liam Payne & Quavo
5. Mama - Jonas Blue & William Singe
6. Attention - Charlie Puth
7. There's Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes
8. One Last Time - Ariana Grande
9. Symphony - Clean Bandit & Zara Larsson
10. Swalla - Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
Me:
1. Symphony - Clean Bandit & Zara Larsson
2. One Last Time - Ariana Grande
3. Attention - Charlie Puth
4. There's Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes
5. Mama - Jonas Blue & William Singe
6. Strip That Down - Liam Payne & Quavo
7. Unforgettable - French Montana & Swae Lee
8. I'm The One - DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper & Lil Wayne
9. Despacito: Remix - Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber
10. Swalla - Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
Things better change before next week.
10. Swalla - Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (Chart Position - 10)Sorry, but no. I can't do this song again. I just can't. Have my thoughts from two weeks ago, because I have nothing further to say about this train wreck:
This is ridiculous... This is still in the charts? Really? It's a load of rubbish! There's very little technical merit to this song, and even less lyrical merit. It's blander than paint drying, with poor writing, poor performances and terrible, terrible production. Seriously, everything's layered with so many effects that is sounds more like it was made in a computer. The kind of drivel that really shouldn't be making it into the charts, and yet, by a freak of nature, somehow does. It's utterly bizarre.
9. Despacito: Remix - Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber (Chart Position - 1)GET RID OF IT! BURN THE HEATHEN! IT'S JUST VOWELS! S*** VOWELS!
Get it out of the chart. For all our sakes.
8. I'm The One - DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper & Lil Wayne (Chart Position - 2)I would like to remind everyone that the beat on this song is alright, objectively speaking. The rest of it simply isn't, and that is simply because there are too many people involved in the song from a creative position. It doesn't help that Justin Bieber is terribly phoned in as usual and Lil Wayne proves once again why giving him a guest verse is a truly terrible idea, but the main reason why this song fails is the same reason why The Ambassadors Of Death isn't one of the greatest Doctor Who stories of all time: it's too long and there are too many people involved.
7. Unforgettable - French Montana & Swae Lee (Chart Position - 3)"Unforgettable? Who sings it?"
"Nah, sorry mate, I've no idea."
6. Strip That Down - Liam Payne & Quavo (Chart Position - 4)I feel like I should take this moment to explore the artistic merits of Quavo as a music producer:
There, I just did.
But seriously, this is just such a failure for Liam Payne. I'd hate to be his mother, having to tell him this is good. I mean, I'd never call anything One Direction did 'ground-breaking', 'innovative' or even 'good', but this song is such a miss-fire for Payne that it genuinely does more damage to his musical image than spending the best part of six years pandering to the vapid, hollow tastes of teenage girls. Sure, I still think Payne may have something to say as a musician, but I'll only begrudging listen to his next song.
5. Mama - Jonas Blue & William Singe (Chart Position - 5)No, sorry Jonas, I'm still disappointed.
I really hoped for more from one of the few genuinely creative people left in EDM at the moment. Sure, this isn't bad (unlike the previous five songs), but I just feel like this should have been so, so much more. I've also been finding that Singe's vocals don't really stand up to much examination. They're a bit too flat and airy for my mind, not like Liam Payne's on Strip That Down, but just insubstantial full stop. It's the sort of voice that, applied to a light guitar beat, is fine. But anything more, and it just seems to fall totally flat, and in some places, subsumed by the instrumental. It's a shame, because Jonas Blue is still a great artist, working in a genre that can produce great material. It just so happens that both are skating on very thin ice at the moment.
4. There's Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes (Chart Position - 7)I feel like I would be repeating myself ad-nauseum if I was to say what I've said about this song before. Instead of copying previous thoughts into this slot, I will instead try to summarise my thoughts in some snappy, one-word bullet points:
- Guitar
- Opening
- What?
- Lyrics
- Better
- Rest
- Meh
3. Attention - Charlie Puth (Chart Position - 6)"Attention, Attention! Puth doth cried. Howsomever. none listened to him, for thou voice was like thine wasp, trapped in doth jam jar..."
I seriously could make jokes about this half-baked, mediocre piece of nothing all day long, and it wouldn't get boring.
Unlike this.
This is boring.
Very boring.
2. One Last Time - Ariana Grande (Chart Position - 8)
Well, this was unexpected. A song from 2015, getting into the top 10 in 2017? That's virtually unheard of. Sadly, however, the reason why this song is in the charts is all too real and all too horrible. Of course, you will have heard about the Manchester bombing (and don't the media just love it... More on that another time). This was the last song Ariana sang at the gig in question, and people have been using this as an expression of sadness at the atrocity. While I feel like people are detaching some meaning from the title, and not the lyrics, it is, quite frankly, one the better Ariana songs for this purpose. As a song, it's pretty decent, but that's not the reason why the song is here. It's here as a way of showing sadness, of grief, of remembrance, and, for that purpose, even a cynical online pretentious nerd cannot criticise.Although it's a good thing the last song wasn't Dangerous Woman. That might have been a bit awkward.
1. Symphony - Clean Bandit & Zara Larsson (Chart Position - 9)I don't think I can repeat myself about this song again, so I'll just paste in my thoughts from two weeks ago to cover for it:
Symphony is a little ray of sunshine. I love the lightness of this, I really do. It's the perfect song for the airy summer weather we've been having: a bright, light tune that knows it's limits and doesn't try to overstep them. It helps that every element of the production is perfect, and all those elements are singing from the same hymn sheet. From the confident beat to the lovely melodies and Zara Larsson's amazing vocals, this song is exactly what we should have more of in the charts in summer: confidently produced light songs like this. A great piece of work.
So, this is the Spotify Chart cross-compared with my listings for ease of reference:
Spotify:
1. Despacito: Remix - Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber
2. I'm The One - DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper & Lil Wayne
3. Unforgettable - French Montana & Swae Lee
4. Strip That Down - Liam Payne & Quavo
5. Mama - Jonas Blue & William Singe
6. Attention - Charlie Puth
7. There's Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes
8. One Last Time - Ariana Grande
9. Symphony - Clean Bandit & Zara Larsson
10. Swalla - Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
Me:
1. Symphony - Clean Bandit & Zara Larsson
2. One Last Time - Ariana Grande
3. Attention - Charlie Puth
4. There's Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes
5. Mama - Jonas Blue & William Singe
6. Strip That Down - Liam Payne & Quavo
7. Unforgettable - French Montana & Swae Lee
8. I'm The One - DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance The Rapper & Lil Wayne
9. Despacito: Remix - Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber
10. Swalla - Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
Things better change before next week.
Comments
Post a Comment